I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
