My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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