The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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