just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
