look no pants
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
