We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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