apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
