everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
