Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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