Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize