Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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