Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
