"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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