Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
