It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
