My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
