Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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