Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
