Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
