The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
