I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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