she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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