Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
