actually, I'm a sock model
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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