well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
