you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
