No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
