My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
