they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
