i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
soo... how was my night?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
