i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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