I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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