quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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