what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
