i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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