I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
