i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
