I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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