Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
