She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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