so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
