Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
