i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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