She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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