This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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