areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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