i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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