she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
