she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
