The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
