i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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