3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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