I hate all girls vehemently.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
