So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
