1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
