My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
