you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
