I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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