i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
